Give a book
The present for someone whose flat is already full
A city person has everything and nowhere to put it. They do not need another candle. They need the one object that is funny on the sofa in October and load-bearing at two in the morning in February — and they will not buy it themselves, because buying it means admitting the tap might stop. That is the whole gift. You get to be the one who was right.
Give it to the one who…
Ten volumes, ten people you already know. If two of them fit the same person, that person is getting the shelf.
Give it to the one who points at every plant on the walk and has never once been right.
Vol. 01 · Foraging Yes, That’s a Weed. No, Don’t Eat It. Okay, Eat THAT One.
Give it to the one who has a filter jug on subscription and no idea where the shutoff valve is.
Vol. 02 · Water You Are Nine Meals and One Boil Advisory from the Stone Age
Give it to the one who owns nine hot sauces and no dinner.
Vol. 03 · Food Storage Your Pantry Is a Museum of Sauces and You Will Die
Give it to the one who keeps three ornamental matches in a designer vase.
Vol. 04 · Fire & Power Prometheus Didn’t Die for This
Give it to the one who calls a decorative tin of forty plasters and one mint a first aid kit.
Vol. 05 · First Aid WebMD Says You’re Dying. For Once, Let’s Make Sure It’s Wrong.
Give it to the one who has strong opinions about meat and has never met any.
Vol. 06 · Hunting & Fishing The Fish Doesn’t Know You Have a Master’s Degree. Neither Does the Deer.
Give it to the one who would be holding a $1,200 flashlight by hour six.
Vol. 07 · Comms & Electronics Your Phone Is About to Become a $1,200 Flashlight
Give it to the one who has been driving past that dashboard light since 2024.
Vol. 08 · Engines & Transport That Light Has Been On Since 2024
Give it to the one who owns a tactical backpack for the commute and a door held by two screws.
Vol. 09 · Defense & Shelter Your Door, Your Plan, and the Dog You Should Have Gotten Instead
Give it to the one who cannot name one neighbour.
Vol. 10 · Community The Final Boss Is Talking to Your Neighbors
What you are actually handing over
The covers are the joke. This is the rest of it: real pages, drawn for these books, printed black on white. Whoever you give it to will use these long after the joke on the cover has worn off.
One page each from volumes 01, 03, 05, 07 and 09.
What it is good for
A birthday
The person who has everything and nowhere to put it. A paperback is the one object that fits a full flat, and this one is funny in October and load-bearing in February.
A housewarming
They have just signed for a space whose stopcock, fuse box and fire exit they cannot point to. Volume two or volume four, and they will thank you twice: once politely, once for real.
Somebody leaving home
First flat, first outage, first time the tap does something strange. The complete set is a shelf, and a shelf in a new place is a landmark.
Somebody who was smug at you
They told you the city would be fine. Volume nine is not a rebuttal, it is a receipt, and it will sit on their coffee table where guests can read the subtitle out loud.
Why a book lands
It is not a novelty
The jokes are on the surface and the numbers underneath them are sourced. Nobody throws one away, because throwing it away means deciding you will never need it.
It survives the wrapping
A paperback is an object. It has a spine, a cover somebody drew, and a subtitle their guests will read out loud off the coffee table. That is the second gift.
It scales
One volume is a card with a joke in it. Ten is a shelf, and a shelf is a landmark. Either way it arrives as one parcel.
How to send one
- Pick the volume, or the set. The table above, or all ten on one shelf.
- Tick this is a present in the cart. The gift fields open underneath it.
- Write the card. Two hundred characters, printed and tucked inside the front cover.
- Send it to them, or to you. To them and it is a surprise; to you and you get to hand it over.
Questions
- Can I have it sent straight to them?
- Yes, and that is the normal way to do it. Put their address in as the delivery address and yours as the billing address. The parcel carries no price anywhere on or in it.
- Does the card get printed, or emailed?
- Printed, on a card, tucked inside the front cover. Two hundred characters, set exactly as you type it, which is a good reason to read it twice.
- What if I do not know which one they need?
- The table above matches ten kinds of person to ten volumes and is meant to be read out loud at somebody. If two fit, it is the complete set, and the set carries the ebook and audiobook of every volume as well.
- Can I give the ebook or the audiobook on its own?
- The ebook, yes. The audiobooks are currently only available with the complete set, and the narration is synthetic — the credits claim no narrator and neither do we.
- Will they know how much it cost?
- Not from us. No price on the packing slip, no price in the parcel.